Lightening Crashes

Sometimes, as the day slips quietly into night, I wonder what I’ve done with this life. Since being fired this past January, I’ve led a more reclusive life than I normally do. Money is in short supply, so I end up doing very little, spending money on bills and food. I pace through my apartment like a caged animal, and ponder if I should flight or fight.

My depression grows like a black cloud and wonder if I have the courage to shuttle off this mortal coil. But then that would be taking responsibility; a courage I don’t think I have. I grasp at straws, wondering when things will get back to some semblance of normal.

I want so much to move to California, but have reservations of pulling up roots here. However, I am playing this close. I need to talk to my boss at my store about her talking to the store in Montclair. I need a guarantee of 40 hours and a set schedule. Seems simple, but have yet to hear anything. That, of course, fills me with for dark fear. Unemployment will be running out soon, and I need to know what is happening. This unknowing, this mess that is my life, fills me with so much despair. As is, I sleep very little, my mind a beehive of thoughts. I feel trapped and the sands of time is filling up the hourglass so quickly.

And if I go, I will still need to find a part-time job. But, the one pro I have in all of this, is a change of scenery. Perhaps, if I do this, things will slip into place. I just wish things were different, I wish that someone could actually help.I cannot turn to family, for I cannot let them know how I’ve failed. How I’ve fucked up my life. There is so much to say, yet to reveal any more seems pointless.

If wishes were horses, the old saying goes. I watched Oprah this morning, and she featured this real cute guy named Paolo who wanted to be an actor, but was feeling the pull of family responsibilities. But he persisted and eventually the Queen of Talk got him a walk-on role on Will & Grace that led to a recurring role on General Hospital. But looking at him, you knew he was destined for more beyond the family business. He had the great cheekbones, the skinny, tight body and charisma. And so obviously gay.

I have none of that, and lets be honest, that is what you need to be a success. Looks are so important, and I fail because I’m too tall, not thin enough, no chin or neckline, no cheekbones, no flat ABS, and a funnel chest. Failure might as well be stamped on my forehead.

I know this self-hatred for myself is unattractive. But, when nobody notices you every damn time I did go out, you begin to wonder why I can’t find Mr. Right.

Tonight, as I cry myself to sleep, I wish the hands of fate to take me from here. I’ve outlived my usefulness. Sad, but true.