You know, I'm smart (well, maybe not doctor smart, but...) and I can be very funny when I want to be, but I realize now that I'm bitter and very lonely, so I treat people around me like their idiots. I do it work to my fellow employees and certainly I treat our customers like that. I've said many times that most of our cutomers are idiots until they prove me wrong. The sad part is, that statement is mostly true.
Today -Thanksgiving - begins my most hated period of the year. I miss the mystery that this holiday and Christmas once was, and while I no longer consider myself religious, I still miss those days growing up, listening to those carols blasting through the radio and through stores. Now, its all about -though maybe it was as a child - about material things. And we force non-christians to celebrate the holiday also, while disdaining their own.
I am homesick, to tell you the truth, but not in the sense that I want to spend time with my family. There is just too many issues going on, too many bad years from the time my dad died in 1968 and today. I just miss those times when all I had to worry about was iff I dressed right.
If I went home today, it would to a house full of people who can't communicate their proper feelings. I have a sister-in-law who hates my mom -though, to her credit, most of its justified. My Mom is Marie Barone on Everybody Loves Raymond. She can be cruel, but sees it as advice that you should take. She claims to have toned some of that down, but she is set in her ways.
My brother gets odder by the years, slowly sinking into his pit of redneckism. I feel so sorry for my sister-in-law. She deserves better, really. My younger sister has issues of her own, but refuses to acknowledge them. She is an enabler and will be for the rest of her life -but you can't tell her that. The older sister is the sanest in the family. I adore her, and wish I could be her. Fortune seems to shine down her way, and nothing seems to get her down.
I once thought I was sane, but I feel that is just a lie. I feel lost, and really nothing to look forward too. Just another day feeling like the world is moving forward, while I fall back, never to reaching the magic that makes life so wonderful.
Sure, I'm thankful today. I'm alive, I have roof over my head, a job (which I hate as each day comes up), and a somewhat loving family. But I have no insurance to help me get over this depression; no insurance to save my teeth, as they are rotting out of my head because I'm afraid to venture to a dentist, my concaved chest that makes me feel so self-consious that I don't think I can ever get in relationship with a guy.
While I lack the courage to off myself, I think of it often. I think the pain could go away if on the way to work or on my way home, I get in an accident. No worry.
But what I would leave behind stops me. So says we all.
But I am tired. Tired of people making plans and not inviting me. I'm tired that I never, ever enter their minds. I'm tired of trying to be good and helpful, only to discover it means nothing. I'm tired that someone else gets lucky and I get the shaft. I'm tired of being tired.
Today -Thanksgiving - begins my most hated period of the year. I miss the mystery that this holiday and Christmas once was, and while I no longer consider myself religious, I still miss those days growing up, listening to those carols blasting through the radio and through stores. Now, its all about -though maybe it was as a child - about material things. And we force non-christians to celebrate the holiday also, while disdaining their own.
I am homesick, to tell you the truth, but not in the sense that I want to spend time with my family. There is just too many issues going on, too many bad years from the time my dad died in 1968 and today. I just miss those times when all I had to worry about was iff I dressed right.
If I went home today, it would to a house full of people who can't communicate their proper feelings. I have a sister-in-law who hates my mom -though, to her credit, most of its justified. My Mom is Marie Barone on Everybody Loves Raymond. She can be cruel, but sees it as advice that you should take. She claims to have toned some of that down, but she is set in her ways.
My brother gets odder by the years, slowly sinking into his pit of redneckism. I feel so sorry for my sister-in-law. She deserves better, really. My younger sister has issues of her own, but refuses to acknowledge them. She is an enabler and will be for the rest of her life -but you can't tell her that. The older sister is the sanest in the family. I adore her, and wish I could be her. Fortune seems to shine down her way, and nothing seems to get her down.
I once thought I was sane, but I feel that is just a lie. I feel lost, and really nothing to look forward too. Just another day feeling like the world is moving forward, while I fall back, never to reaching the magic that makes life so wonderful.
Sure, I'm thankful today. I'm alive, I have roof over my head, a job (which I hate as each day comes up), and a somewhat loving family. But I have no insurance to help me get over this depression; no insurance to save my teeth, as they are rotting out of my head because I'm afraid to venture to a dentist, my concaved chest that makes me feel so self-consious that I don't think I can ever get in relationship with a guy.
While I lack the courage to off myself, I think of it often. I think the pain could go away if on the way to work or on my way home, I get in an accident. No worry.
But what I would leave behind stops me. So says we all.
But I am tired. Tired of people making plans and not inviting me. I'm tired that I never, ever enter their minds. I'm tired of trying to be good and helpful, only to discover it means nothing. I'm tired that someone else gets lucky and I get the shaft. I'm tired of being tired.
No comments:
Post a Comment