With June Gloom set in here -and more so than usual - the days, while grown longer - have blended into one. It's interesting to note on how the days seem to pass like cars on the freeway, zooming towards a conclusion we all know is in our future.
It's what we do with the time, as they say, that makes us what we are. I'm not sure what I'll leave behind, but for some reason of late, it's been on my mind. Death is a part of life, and while for the longest time I've been afraid of it, these days I'm more comfortable with it. It's not to say that I still have issues with it, but since the loss of three close friends over the last eight months or so, I've come to understand that I need to do something to make this short life worth something.
Jamie was a person who packed a lot into her 32 years, and had a truism that speaks loudly. We should all, no matter what life throws at you, look at with defiance and try, oh so try, to accept it.
Jamie was a big girl, yet she never let that get in the way of enjoying life. She was this pixie girl who's energy an laughter exploded life a thousand splendid suns, and when you were with here, you could not help but feel the energy she gave off. She seemed to be able to lite that match under peoples arses.
Since she died, her philosophy -if you will - of her life outlook has made me think of what I should do with the rest of my life. I know there are many things I don't do, like enjoy spending time away from the house and doing things that make my days off worth it. Mostly it comes in the fear of spending money, feeling that if I do too much, I'll some how be punished for it. It's irrational to think that some entity is keeping track of how much I make and how much I spend then punish me when I'm having too much of a good time. The same way, I guess, that I'll be punished for being gay by a God or what not.
Still, I fear it (which seems to have overtaken, maybe, my fear of death). Spending money, that is. At times I think that fear is good, keeps me from doing wild things. But then I see others, who really have no fear, enjoying their life to the fullest. Sure they know that debt is bad, but they've decided to live their life and worry about the debt later. Some would call that short-sightedness, while others will say that in today's world, this is the only way to live.
Which comes to the next two weeks. I'm taking a vacation day on June 20 (that's another thing I need to get over, taking earned vacation days from work without feeling guilty. Most of the guilt come from forcing other people to do my work, though most of them have no guilt that they force me to their jobs when they call-out or take vacation days). Mostly its because we have one last day on the Frontier Guard shoot, and then we're having a wrap party being hosted by Rick, who's coming from the East Coast for a week to visit HF Productions. Sharon will be on her return flight from Italy with her husband, so I'll be finishing up directing, plus donning the Vulcan ears to play Selek for a cameo in an upcoming fan film production out side of Federation One. That still leaves me Sunday and Monday to do something. But since Rick will still be here, I'm going to try and spend time with him and who ever wants to tag along.
Also, the last week of June, I'm taking Saturday the 27th off. This will give me a three-day weekend of nothing to do, as filming on Odyssey will not resume until July 5. That weekend I want to do something, yet I don't know what. Such big ideas now, but we'll see what the next week brings.
Still, guilt and fear niggle at the back of my head like lose lug nut on a car wheel. Should I do something, spend money and forget about everything else. Even if the other proverbial shoe drops, should I just shrug and say that's life?
And that's where Jamie's life lessons can be applied, I guess. Maybe living life with the just do it attitude is better than worrying about what tomorrow might bring. We are taught, growing up, to fear things. We are taught that too much play is dangerous cocktail. But for me, too much worry has also become a dangerous drink. I need to find a balance between those two, you know?
Plus, I need to find someone to share my life with. I know now what is missing, and I think I understand why people marry. Love surely plays a part in it, but at the end of the day, its more companionship, more comfort that someone's there to get you through this existence. I'm missing that, and I want that. As much as I enjoy my solitude, I need another person to help me get through the rest of what time I've got left here.
And while I still don't know what lies beyond that "undiscovered country," I'm less afraid of it now. I still want to live to be 100, but I'll take what I can get.
Because when I go, I want to leave something here to show the world, or just my family and friends, that I was here and what I leave behind is just as important has what I do for the rest of it.
Morbid Monday comes to a close. Peace out.
It's what we do with the time, as they say, that makes us what we are. I'm not sure what I'll leave behind, but for some reason of late, it's been on my mind. Death is a part of life, and while for the longest time I've been afraid of it, these days I'm more comfortable with it. It's not to say that I still have issues with it, but since the loss of three close friends over the last eight months or so, I've come to understand that I need to do something to make this short life worth something.
Jamie was a person who packed a lot into her 32 years, and had a truism that speaks loudly. We should all, no matter what life throws at you, look at with defiance and try, oh so try, to accept it.
Jamie was a big girl, yet she never let that get in the way of enjoying life. She was this pixie girl who's energy an laughter exploded life a thousand splendid suns, and when you were with here, you could not help but feel the energy she gave off. She seemed to be able to lite that match under peoples arses.
Since she died, her philosophy -if you will - of her life outlook has made me think of what I should do with the rest of my life. I know there are many things I don't do, like enjoy spending time away from the house and doing things that make my days off worth it. Mostly it comes in the fear of spending money, feeling that if I do too much, I'll some how be punished for it. It's irrational to think that some entity is keeping track of how much I make and how much I spend then punish me when I'm having too much of a good time. The same way, I guess, that I'll be punished for being gay by a God or what not.
Still, I fear it (which seems to have overtaken, maybe, my fear of death). Spending money, that is. At times I think that fear is good, keeps me from doing wild things. But then I see others, who really have no fear, enjoying their life to the fullest. Sure they know that debt is bad, but they've decided to live their life and worry about the debt later. Some would call that short-sightedness, while others will say that in today's world, this is the only way to live.
Which comes to the next two weeks. I'm taking a vacation day on June 20 (that's another thing I need to get over, taking earned vacation days from work without feeling guilty. Most of the guilt come from forcing other people to do my work, though most of them have no guilt that they force me to their jobs when they call-out or take vacation days). Mostly its because we have one last day on the Frontier Guard shoot, and then we're having a wrap party being hosted by Rick, who's coming from the East Coast for a week to visit HF Productions. Sharon will be on her return flight from Italy with her husband, so I'll be finishing up directing, plus donning the Vulcan ears to play Selek for a cameo in an upcoming fan film production out side of Federation One. That still leaves me Sunday and Monday to do something. But since Rick will still be here, I'm going to try and spend time with him and who ever wants to tag along.
Also, the last week of June, I'm taking Saturday the 27th off. This will give me a three-day weekend of nothing to do, as filming on Odyssey will not resume until July 5. That weekend I want to do something, yet I don't know what. Such big ideas now, but we'll see what the next week brings.
Still, guilt and fear niggle at the back of my head like lose lug nut on a car wheel. Should I do something, spend money and forget about everything else. Even if the other proverbial shoe drops, should I just shrug and say that's life?
And that's where Jamie's life lessons can be applied, I guess. Maybe living life with the just do it attitude is better than worrying about what tomorrow might bring. We are taught, growing up, to fear things. We are taught that too much play is dangerous cocktail. But for me, too much worry has also become a dangerous drink. I need to find a balance between those two, you know?
Plus, I need to find someone to share my life with. I know now what is missing, and I think I understand why people marry. Love surely plays a part in it, but at the end of the day, its more companionship, more comfort that someone's there to get you through this existence. I'm missing that, and I want that. As much as I enjoy my solitude, I need another person to help me get through the rest of what time I've got left here.
And while I still don't know what lies beyond that "undiscovered country," I'm less afraid of it now. I still want to live to be 100, but I'll take what I can get.
Because when I go, I want to leave something here to show the world, or just my family and friends, that I was here and what I leave behind is just as important has what I do for the rest of it.
Morbid Monday comes to a close. Peace out.
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