Fuck

In 8 months and 1 day I will turn 50. It's a big number for most, and for me, I feel I might never want to reach it. The job searching is becoming tedious, and while I get platitudes from people that things will get better, that I will find a job eventually, I fear deep down that none of that will come true.

Life is becoming one stupid, blurry day after another. I wake up, drink some coffee, read and peck on the job web-sites for something that I can fit into. And then I wait. Between the time Borders closed in September to January 1st, I had one job interview and no call backs from any of the places I applied to. The only reason I got the interview with Follet was because someone works fro them and was able to push my application through. But, of course, I did not get it.

Since the beginning of the year, I've had two call backs and two interviews. The first one, for Hallmark, I did not get. The second, for an internet vintage clothing company called Nasty Gal, has yet to call back about my interview on Thursday last week. And the sad part is, I don't expect them to call.

So, a new week has begun, and I sit once again trying to find a job. While finding job listings are easier, it still very hard to get a foot in the door. Almost all the companies I've applied for don't want you calling them and following up with an application. And even if you get an interview, they still don't want you following up with them, even though goes against many things EDD has told me.

Maybe, in the end, I should just start over at Target or Walmart. I know those jobs should be easier to get, but none would be full-time, none would offer any type of medical insurance I can afford on the sad salary they pay, and none offer any real future. I'm willing to work my ass off, but its got to amount to something tangible.

School seems pointless, mostly because I have no idea what to study. I have no dreams, no desires, no inspiration at which I can throw a line to.  So like everything else, I feel adrift, lost and wondering what lies in the darkness of the undiscovered country.

I lack the courage of my convictions, of course. I feel stupid for writing such words, but I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, I don't see why I should be excited to turn 50 if I have no job, no hope for one.

I'm tired. Oh, so tired. The fighting spirit is gone. Gone the way of the dodo, gone the way of the summer leaves. Gone the way of sour wine. I just want it to end.

Sometimes the end does not come with a bang, but a whisper.