11 August 2007

I'm fucked!

While this will surprise no one, I'm not the nicest guy to round, even on my good days.

A part of that, I guess, comes from my total lack of trying anything new by myself. This effects me in so many ways. Here I spent a fucking week off from work, and what did I do? Well, besides a nice day with JT and the Usual Suspects on Tuesday, I did really nothing. Hell, I didn't even increase my bike riding. I still only went on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and today -I had planned to ride everyday.

I had also planned to visit my cousin this week, but they were busy all week long, but they said I could come on Saturday, but then I would be just tagging along while Sydney played soccer. Which is great, I love her to death, but at times, when I spend time with them doing "family" stuff with their friends, I feel isolated and alone. Straight couples (and republicans, mostly) scare the fuck out of me.

Then there was the whole I'm going to ocean, which never happened if only because I would have to do it myself. And I hate spending time with myself. And I hat doing things by myself. And what of Wednesday, when Bill was off? Did we do anything? Nope. Bill came home from the doctors, and because his foot was bothering him, we did nothing.

I had also planned to look for a job, well, maybe go to one of those places that help you find a job. But, or course, me being me, had no ambition to do this. So, by yesterday, I was steamed off so much, so depressed about my fucking life, that I shut down. Sat on my ass and watched TV most of the day. Watched a really bad Doctor Who episode on Sci Fi, followed by the crappy Flash Gordon. Jebus, the 1980 camp version is more brillant tahn this piece-o-shit.

This Wednesday, Greg and Philip are in town, and they'll be stopping at the house. We plan to go to dinner. Great more money going out. Anyways, I decided to clean the kitchen. So, I did almost everything in there: the washer/dryer, cleaned the outside of the fridge, the stove (which hardly gets used, but attracts all the dust), cleaned the counters and the sink. And washed the really dirty floor.

And that ate up most of time, as I got doown on my hands and knee's and scrub it. Of course, the dirt is so in grained on the floor, it does not really come clean, but it sure looks better than it did. Did a load of laundry, did some dusting and cleaned my bathroom from tub to floor (also on my hand and knee's). I sweated like a pig, but the one advantage, I guess to being alone all day on a Saturday, is that I cleaned nekkid. I mean, why dirty up clothes with sweat and grim?

But when I see Bill tomorrow, he's got to clean the rest of the house for Greg. I'll clean up my room, probably Tuesday night, but I'm done cleaning anything else.

I still feel a bit depressed though. I know I'm the only one that can change my future, but you see, I need someone to push me, to prod me. If not, I'll do what I did this week: nothing. I lack the spirit of competitiveness. Don't get me wrong, when I'm at work, I want and demand that my store be the best, but when I get out of that store, when the real world comes into the equation, I realize that I’m never going to win. I lack grace and tact. I say things at the wrong time and am unable to make people understand things. I lack confidence, I have a short attention span, an inability to plan. I lack patience and underestimate obvious difficulties of everything.

I am good at what I do, but lack the temper to work in this service industry. I cannot stand people who lack the basic ability to use logic in every day life. Another words, I have little patience with idiots.

This is not a good thing to have in today's job market. Thus, while I know I can be a manager at Borders, I also know dealing with these jerks and nimrods will make my life a living hell. What I need is for someone to help me, to say I think I can get you into an interview with my company - a company that I could never get an interview for on my own. But, alas, I screwed that up the last time, but I'm willing to try and make it work.

But, then, you only get one chance. I blew mine.

It's another Saturday night. Funny, I used to look forward to them. Now, I'm counting the 48 hours until I can return to work.

1 comment:

kenny said...

I'm sure you'll get another chance just hang in there buddy!